you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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