drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
