Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
