dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
