Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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