god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Four minutes until I can fart!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
