Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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