I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
