Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
