what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
