I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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