lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
