Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
