Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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