I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
