Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
