I think I won the penis lottery.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
