fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
