god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
