Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
