Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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