Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
