my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
