id be glad to
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
