Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
