Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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