I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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