Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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