i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
