Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
