Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
