we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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