Can Purell be used as lube?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
