he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
