buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
