now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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