Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
