fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
