How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How does it feel to date your dad?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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