well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
