I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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