hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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