I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
