Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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