ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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