Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
