dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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