my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
