4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
