Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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