the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
