Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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